Regarding Vital Skills, I’m having problems with my husband. For years we have been at each other, and I’d like to change that. I only recently learned how to set a boundary—and I’m 55—but I’m struggling to hold a boundary with my husband around name-calling. I don’t want him to call me names, but stopping the argument or refusing to engage feels confrontational and counterproductive, even selfish.
How can I set boundaries with him without making matters worse?
Signed,
Feeling Guilty
Dear Feeling Guilty,
Even though I don’t think name-calling should be allowed in a relationship, I’ve lived long enough to know that it can happen. I’m so sorry! I’m going to assume that (1) you have already asked your husband to stop calling you names but he still does so, and (2) your relationship is unhealthy but not dangerous at the moment. Your question raises two issues for me: one is about setting boundaries and the other is about loving yourself enough to stick to them. You are unlikely to successfully uphold a boundary without developing the inward love necessary to sustain it, and that entails a journey of personal growth.
Let’s start there.
Develop the Boundary
In relationships, boundaries are the boundaries we set for ourselves and others. They can be either boons to growth and connection, or they can be barriers to them. They function as barriers when masked as self-respect but motivated by a desire to criticize, punish, or change the other person. Only when they are rooted in love can they be beneficial to growth and connection. We are so capable of lying to ourselves that it can be hard to tell the difference, especially when we are in conflict. We believe we are motivated by one thing when in fact we are motivated by another. How many punish their partners with the silent treatment in the name of boundaries!Your challenge is to establish and maintain a boundary that encourages love rather than hinders it, and the only way to do so is by developing your own love. First, work on yourself. When you stop arguing with your spouse or don’t get involved, you say you feel selfish. Identifying why will be critical to your growth.
Take a look around. Examine the beliefs that contribute to your prevailing behaviors and feelings. Are they grounded in fears, resentments, past experiences, childhood trauma? Find out about and address these issues. In this area, therapy and/or a spiritual practice may be helpful and necessary. Your journey is to cultivate a love strong enough to maintain boundaries; however, I will share something that has been a part of mine. The psychologist Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” In my experience, our willingness to accept others as they are and forgive previous hurts increases in tandem with our capacity to accept ourselves as we are. I’m not necessarily referring to your husband (though he should be included). The acceptance and forgiveness I speak of pertain to your whole life. Never have I experienced a greater capacity to love myself and others without humility, acceptance, and forgiveness—and I tend only to experience those after resistance, suffering, and, finally, surrendering. Please consider this as you continue on your journey of growth.
Concentrate on Your Realistic Goals Setting a boundary is, in a sense, a gamble. It’s the willingness to put a relationship at risk—or, at the very least, the willingness to accept the unpleasant outcomes that may occur. Even though it’s a scary idea, you have to accept the fact that a boundary can cause a relationship to end. More often it means temporary exposure to various forms of adult tantrums. And thankfully, if done well, it often leads to increased respect, trust, connection and intimacy.
We become willing to make this gamble when our current pain exceeds the fear of change. This marks the beginning of growth. To put it another way, you have two difficult choices: either accept the risks of stopping name-calling or live with the pain of it. What do you want long term? Make a firm commitment to the path that offers the greatest potential for the kind of relationship you ultimately want.
Set the Boundary
To set a healthy boundary, you simply need to express your self-regard—with respect for the other person.
Have the Right Conversation
When a boundary is first crossed, perhaps the best time to communicate it is when the infraction occurs. In that case, you should do so immediately. However, long-standing disrespect is a problem in the relationship, so schedule a time to talk about your boundaries with your husband. Don’t spring it on him in the middle of an argument. Also, tell him what you want to discuss—don’t leave him guessing.
“Honey, I’ve been concerned with how we communicate, and I’d like to discuss it together. When would be a good time for us to talk?”
Share Your Good Intent
When you sit down, start by sharing your good intent. Make it clear that your boundary is about love and growth. Your partner might think, “I’ve given up on the relationship and you no longer matter to me,” if you start the conversation by saying, “I’m not willing to talk if you call me names.” So, be sure to convey the love you’ve been developing.
“I want a healthier relationship with you because I love you, and I believe healthier communication can improve our relationship. I want to talk about how we speak to each other during disagreements.”
Be honest with how you are affected by the name-calling, and why you are no longer willing to tolerate it. Describe your reaction to the situation. “I feel demeaning and disrespected when you call me names during a disagreement, which only hurts our relationship. From now on, if you call me names during a disagreement, I will excuse myself from the conversation. Not because I’m trying to change you, but because I’ve changed.”
Your partner may feel this is a coercive effort to change him and respond defensively. Should that happen, you should (1) reassure him of your good intent and (2) demonstrate your commitment to the boundary if necessary.
Hold the Boundary
If a boundary can’t be sustained, it will be reduced to a threat and quickly become ineffective. Prepare a strategy for when your partner criticizes you. Excusing yourself and promising to return to the conversation at a later time—an hour, a day, or whatever—under the condition that your boundary is respected is an obvious course of action. Make Clear the Consequences
Remind him of the boundary, ask him to respect it, and then uphold your commitment if he calls you names. “We agreed we wouldn’t call each other names. Will you please stop that?”
If the name-calling continues: “I’m going to excuse myself now. I’m unwilling to discuss issues unless we both can do so without calling each other names. Let’s try again later this evening. If this proves ineffective, you may need to identify additional actions you will take—not to punish him, but to distance yourself from the behavior you are unwilling to live with.
Reiterate Your Good Intent with Contrasting Statements
Reiterate your motives for growth and love when you hold your boundary. These changes will not become apparent immediately. A contrasting statement can help. Clarify what you don’t intend against what you do intend.
“I’m going to excuse myself now,” for instance. Let’s try again in an hour. I don’t want to avoid communication; I want to ensure we communicate with respect, even when we’re feeling emotional or upset.”
Or, “Let’s pause this conversation and try again tomorrow. I’m not trying to ignore you; rather, I’m trying to find new ways to communicate with you because I love you, I respect myself, and I want our relationship to be healthier. Boundaries Are about Love—or Should Be
A commitment to your own personal development and any necessary spiritual or psychological work to foster it is, in my opinion, the most important factor that will assist you in establishing healthy boundaries with your spouse. More important than what you learn to say will be learning to love yourself without feeling selfish for doing so.
Last but not least, if he’s calling you names, why should I stress your need for love? Because defensiveness begets defensiveness, and love begets love. He will feel the difference. Your boundary must be part of a personal initiative toward a greater capacity for love—for both yourself and your husband—if it is to have good effect.
