Regarding Vital Skills, criticism that is constructive. I absolutely hate it and completely shut down when I hear it. It’s still criticism, however “constructive” the giver thinks it is. But I know it’s a popular thing to “give.” How can I get over my dislike of it?
Signed,
Fearful of Feedback
Dear Fearful,
Before you work on overcoming your aversion to constructive criticism, I have a suggestion: explore it. It might be saying something to you. In my experience, people are averse to constructive criticism for one of two reasons. They either believe that the criticism is meant to harm them rather than help them, and that the critic is simply concealing their intentions behind the term “constructive,” or they think that criticism is used to shame them. Any feedback that implies they could or should do something differently negatively impacts their sense of self.
I am not sure from your message what’s contributing to your aversion, but I encourage you to explore it. You won’t be able to address it until you know. Now, assuming you fall into one of the two categories above, here are some suggestions for how to move forward.
Reframe
Reframe the constructive criticism if it is more critical than constructive. For example, someone calls and says, “Hey, Emily, can you talk? Regarding your most recent Q&A, I have some constructive remarks.” Now, constructive criticism, ugh, might immediately raise my hackles. However, by framing my response to emphasize the constructive aspect of constructive criticism, I can influence how this interaction plays out. Yes, that would be wonderful. I always value constructive criticism and specific suggestions for how I can improve. With this framing, I have hopefully communicated that I’d like to hear not just what I did poorly, but also specific suggestions of what I should do differently.
Demand the Solution People who are determined to point out what you’ve done wrong might miss your subtle reframing in some cases. In that case, you should request the FIX. Kerry Patterson, who was my mentor, worked with Liz Wiseman, a young writer whose name you may have heard of. Liz had been asked by Kerry to proofread something he had written. Liz diligently edited the piece, marking one specific passage with AWK, a common proofreading mark that indicates awkward phrasing. After Kerry reviewed Liz’s edits, he returned the paper with a note:
“Never give an AWK without a FIX.”
It’s fair to ask for a specific fix when people give you feedback. Let’s go back to the example above about feedback on this article. Let’s say my editor or critic points out a few flaws and then stops. My response?
“Thanks for pointing that out. I’d really like your suggestions on how to fix this or improve it. What do you suggest?”
Make a Choice
Most likely, you’ve heard the saying, “feedback is a gift.” You might have an aversion to that expression too! I know I did for a long time before I stopped and considered what it meant. Imagine someone gives you a gift, maybe a piece of art for your home or an article of clothing. The present shows love or appreciation and is thoughtful. Unfortunately, the gift is simply not your style. It doesn’t fit in your home or wardrobe. It just isn’t you. What do you do then? If you are like me, you express your honest and sincere appreciation for the thoughtfulness behind the gift. And then you re-gift it or donate it.
The point is that you can discard it. You don’t have to incorporate a gift into your life, home, or wardrobe just because someone gives you one. You get to choose. The same is true for feedback. You can be grateful that someone took the time and effort to share their perspective, and you can choose whether or not to integrate that feedback.
Feedsmacked?
Finally, don’t expect feedback to be delivered perfectly. Your critic may have valuable perspective, even if delivered poorly. For some great insight on how to listen to a poorly delivered message, check out Joseph Grenny’s presentation “Feedsmacked” from Crucial Learning’s 2019 REACH conference.
